How ‘if it’s important to you, it’s important to me’ can transform your relationship
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There’s always a moment in a troubled relationship that feels like some version of this:
“Making this bigger than it is.” “You’re overreacting.” “Why are you doing something like this? Can’t you go through there?”
And beneath those words lies something much deeper than the disagreement itself. The silent dismissal and breakdown of communication, “What is important to you is not important to me.”
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If you’ve ever experienced this, you know how painful and frustrating it can be to be misunderstood or belittled in a relationship.
And if you’ve ever said these phrases to someone – as many of us have – you might argue that you didn’t mean it the way it sounded. You were just trying to fix the situation and get over what caused the disconnection. But if you do this, you are missing something important and fundamental:
If it matters to you, it matters to me.
A sentence that sounds simple but is not. In fact, it is one of the most difficult levels of relationship we can maintain, and one of the most transformative levels.
As a therapist, I’ve had a front-row seat to relationships that have been chaotic, chaotic, or ending. And in those times, what forced the end of the relationship was not the whiplash from a single event, but rather the weight of many interactions that gradually broke the relationship and destroyed communication.
But this statement requires us to do something most of us have never been taught to do, which is to prioritize the experiences of others over our own intentions.
The Gap Between Communication and Rejection
Stephen Covey, author of “The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People,” expands on what many psychologists have identified, which is a pattern in which we judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions. It makes us say things like:
“I didn’t mean it that way.” “I was trying to help.” “You have to know that’s not what I meant.”
While all of that may be true, what is also true is that it doesn’t solve another person’s experience.
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When considering the research of the famous psychiatrist Dan Siegel, a professor at the UCLA School of Medicine, and others in interpersonal neurobiology and attachment, there is a recurring pattern where relationships are not shaped by what we intended, but by what others have experienced. As our brain evaluates things like safety, connection, and harmony, it doesn’t think objectively; rather, it asks whether those things exist or not.
This means that many of our relationships are not defined by whether we intended for the best, but rather, how well they turned out.
Why Is It So Challenging?
Here’s the truth: If adopting the “If it matters to you, it matters to me” approach was easy, we’d all be doing it, and all our relationships would be successful. But that’s not always the case. Not because we don’t want a thriving relationship, but because taking this position challenges our sense of control.
Jason VanRuler, MA, CSAT, is a psychologist, author of “Discovering Your Communication Type” and nationally known speaker specializing in communication, attachment, and relationships. (Zondervan)
Adopting this way of thinking means setting aside your own intentions and experiences and instead entering the inner world of another person. It also means that you don’t choose if something is important to someone and instead you realize that it is important. This is a profound gift, and some have never received it for themselves. And that’s an uncomfortable place for most of us.
However, as author and strategist Robert Greene has noted in his writing, the greatest power in human evolution comes from understanding rather than manipulating or controlling the opinions of others. In a relationship, where understanding is paramount, a person who can sense and respond to another person’s feelings and emotional truths then holds the deepest form of influence built on trust.
The Cost of Choosing Objectives Over Experience
As a therapist, I’ve had a front-row seat to relationships that have been chaotic, chaotic, or ending. And in those times, what forced the end of the relationship was not the whiplash from a single event, but rather the weight of many interactions that gradually broke the relationship and destroyed communication.
We lose each other along the way, not because we don’t care, but because we don’t see how we are wired differently. (Stock)
Over time, news and stories appear that sound like this:
“I think I don’t care about you.” “I don’t think you can hear me or see me.” “I don’t hear.”
The costs of these feelings add up. Ultimately, people who feel like they don’t have a say or a story in a relationship tend to defend and protect themselves instead of being dependent and vulnerable. And over time, that seemingly small rift adds up to a chasm too big for the relationship to cross.
How To Do This
Living this way doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything or give up on yourself. Rather, it is the opposite. It means starting with communication in the mind rather than fixing it. This looks like accepting and offering compassion and kindness before entering into your own opinion or questioning the other person.
It looks like you’re slowing down enough – and being present enough – to meet someone where they are before you ask them to meet you.
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You seem to know your partner’s communication style as well as yours. Once you understand how to communicate better, it’s easier to be honest about what’s important to you.
Everyone wants to be seen, heard, and understood, but we all take a different path. Often, we fail to realize that disconnection is not always personal; patterned.
We lose each other along the way, not because we don’t care, but because we don’t see how we are wired differently.
I was inspired to write “Finding Your Communication Type” because I saw time and time again from my clients that communication is not one size fits all.
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We are all on a different path. But the good news is that there is a way forward with greater communication.
When you say, “If it’s important to you, it’s important to me,” you not only improve the relationship, you lay the foundation for better communication and deeper communication.
