Raunchy, Highly IR-Rated 90s Action Thriller It’s All Men’s Dreams Rolled Into One
Written by Robert Scucci | Published
I’m trying to portray the way I use the media like it’s 1993 Enemy Gold because, at the end of the day, I’m a family man. But sometimes I can’t control myself because Enemy Goldand every other film in Andy Sidaris’ Triple B film series, is the cinematic equivalent of what Andy Sidaris, or in this case his son Drew Sidaris, thinks is the ultimate male dream: bullets, bombs, and babies, which never die.
Enemy Gold it is the ultimate men’s dream because two secret drug ringers and their group of attractive women are as dangerous as he is attractive. They get suspended for not following anyone’s rules but their own, but their super hot and equally dangerous boss is always there. Oh yeah, and there’s a treasure hunt involving a hidden cache of gold left behind by dozens of Confederate soldiers, and everyone drinks spritzers of white wine in the hot tub after a hard day’s work.
It’s the kind of movie you steal when you’re a kid and your parents aren’t around, and it feels like a great, inappropriate trip where you can channel your inner giga-chad and belt out a one-liner while looking over your shoulder to make sure your brother and sister won’t criticize you for watching a violent movie on TV.
As an adult, Enemy Gold it’s just pure schlock and horror, and it’s the forced humor and dialogue that make it such a treat. Every bad double entender you’ve ever heard comes to life in this movie, and will continue to live in your head rent free after you watch it.
What Kind of Chest Are We Looking For?
When is the heat already on? Enemy Gold we begin and are introduced to agency agents Chris Cannon (Bruce Penhall) and Mark Austin (Mark Barriere). They are informed by their always sane and scantily clad boss, Ava Noble (Tanquil Lisa Collins), that fellow agent Becky Midnight (Suzi Simpson) will be joining them on their next mission: finding a stash of drugs smuggled by crime lord Santiago (Rodrigo Obergon).
They find mountains of illegal items hidden in crates of watermelons and seize the goods, but without causing much collateral damage, prompting Chief Dickson (Alan Abelew) to suspend them until a proper investigation is done. We learn that Dickson is actually working in cahoots with Santiago, as well as his lovely, dangerous wife, Jewel Panther (Julie Strain), who is a dangerous weapon herself.
While touring the camping trip and waiting for their names to be cleared, Chris, Mark, and Becky continue to report to Ava, who tries to get them back to work. What they don’t know is that Dickson and Santiago have tapped their communications and discover that the gang has stumbled upon a map that leads to the hidden shipment of gold to the Army by a group of Confederate soldiers in 1864. At that time, it was made abundantly clear that the final epic battle was inevitable.
That All Sounds Really Important, But Don’t Forget To Wash
I lost count of how many times our heroes jumped into the shower or hot tub Enemy Gold because it’s embarrassing to think about it. Everyone is shiny, airbrushed, hacked, and a tag expert Enemy Gold. Children fight children, and more than once we are told that explosive missiles have tips that “explode three seconds after entering.” Because, you know, it’s a sex joke.
Enemy Gold It’s the kind of movie that was written by the genius team at Mountain Dew who trained exclusively on old copies of Maxim magazine and pills in the boner garage. You have to go into your viewing experience with exact expectations or it won’t do anything for you. The dialogue aspires to a soap opera quality, everyone changes clothes in slow motion, things are hot, and most of the puns reach a third-grade reading level.
Still, it’s a movie about having seemingly unlimited resources, shooting bad guys, and tearing through the woods in all-terrain vehicles while pursuing a hundred years of Civil War loot. If you can turn off your brain for 92 minutes and enjoy Enemy Gold for what it is, you will have a blast. If not, then you’re better off than me because I enjoyed the hell out of this.
From this writing, you can broadcast Enemy Gold free on Tubi.
